Saints and Sinners – Full Script – edit #2

Saints and Sinners Full script Edit #2 

Script for Saints and Sinners
Health and Safety notice

Maddie (Emma)- Welcome to Saint Jimmy’s

Lulu- I can see some new faces in tonight

Rose- And just in case of emergency

All together- the fire exits are here, here and here.

Rose -It’s a very exclusive club so no photography allowed please

Maddie- And no mobile phones as this is a cabaret club so performances will be ongoing

lulu- And it’s rude.

Maddie- There will be an interval which will last 15/20 minutes

Rose- The bar will be open as well don’t worry

Maddie – If you need anything, give us a shout.


SONG – Saint Jimmy number starts (and don’t wear it out)

St. Jimmy’s comin’ down across the alleyway
Up on the boulevard like a zip gun on parade
Lights of a silhouette
He’s insubordinate
Coming at you on the count of 1, 2 (1, 2, 3, 4)!

My name is Jimmy and you better not wear it out
Suicide commando that your momma talked about
King of the forty thieves I’m here to represent
That needle in the vein of the establishment

I’m the patron saint of the denial
With an angel face and a taste for suicidal

Cigarettes and ramen and a little bag of dope
I am the son of a bitch and Edgar Allan Poe
Raised in the city in a halo of lights
Product of war and fear that we’ve been victimized

I’m the patron saint of the denial
With an angel face and a taste for suicidal

Good evening, welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to the club at the end of the road. I’ll be taking you on a tour of some of the best and worst of human kind throughout this evening. Now, some here may have walked in as saints and some are definitely sinners, but will they, will you, end the night the same way?
This is the ultimate cabaret club – we’ll have all sorts not just your average turn. You’ll hear stories, you’ll see passions, you’ll witness comedy and tragedy, old and new, dark and light and fruity and nutty and plain – just like chocolate.
Oh and in case you’re wondering who the hell I am –

My name is St. Jimmy, I’m a son of a gun
I’m the one that’s from the way outside
I’m a teenage assassin executing some fun
In the cult of the life of crime

I really hate to say it but I told you so
So shut your mouth before I shoot you down ol’ boy
Welcome to the club and give me some blood
I’m the resident leader of the lost and found

It’s comedy and tragedy
It’s St. Jimmy
And that’s my name… and don’t wear it out!

Jimmy: Lulu – where are you? The first act um….didn’t make it…so you’re on, my darling.
Lulu: What, but we’ve only just opened the doors. People haven’t even sipped their first drink yet.
Jimmy: I know but somethings gotta happen. Do you want the spot or not?
Lulu: Alright alright – I know just the song for this lot.


SONG – I want to be seduced (wouldn’t mind seducing me )

Jimmy: Well well lovely little Lulu – not quite as angelic as I first thought. Who knew.

Lulu: You ain’t seen nothing yet!

Lulu- (to Tom) Thanks for the backing.

Tom (performer)- Oh, aha, thanks.

Lulu- So you doing anything this evening?

Tom (performer) – Yeah, well I’m just here playing for some of the night

Other Waitresses- (Cough loudly)

Maddie – c’mon Lulu

Rose- We have work to do.


(Rose walks past the posh table on her rounds and Edward steps in front of her and grabs her round the waist)

Edward – You’re not still mad at me are you?

Rose – leave me alone. I meant it when I said we were finished.

Edward – come on, baby, it’s not a big deal. You know that it didn’t mean anything. She didn’t mean anything.

Rose – I don’t want to talk to you.

Edward – Well I’m your customer you have to talk to me and serve me. You don’t want to lose your job do you?

Rose – fine. (Jane walks past and comes up to Edward.)

Rose – (flips) I can’t believe you actually brought her here! (Storms off)

Jane – who was that?

Edward – oh Just some slut

Jimmy: So ladies and gentlemen – what looks and sounds like a saint ain’t always and if you needed further proof, take a look at these three bad girls….Please welcome to the stage – Charlie’s Angels!

DANCE – Charlie’s angel’s perform

Jimmy: Not a trio you’d care to mess with! ‘Allo! Not sure I’d mess with this guy either.

(The on-stage audience gently notices BRENDAN enter and go and sit SL. Perhaps we see Caroline conspicuously notice him too?)

Next up – this lovely, ladylike little sweety – she told me before the show she needed no introduction. So…here she is.

SONG I want to be evil – Chloe ( a man, can, beeeee)

Saint Jimmy goes to sit with Posh boys during the number)

Jimmy – Gentlemen. I know who you are. So if you need anything, give one of my girls a wave. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you, of all people, how much of an influence a name and reputation can have. So remember these are my girls. This is my establishment. And most of all, remember who I am.
Have a pleasant evening Gentlemen. (He walks away towards the waitresses)


Saint Jimmy: How is it going girls?

Rose: Busy, but we can manage don’t worry!

(Posh boys call over and whistle to get waitresses attention)

Rose: I’m not going over there…

Jimmy: Hey Maddie why don’t you see what they want.

Maddie: No, I’m busy you guys should go over.

Lulu: Okay!

Rose: (pulls back Sian) No, Maddie can go. It’s about time she let go and had some fun. Besides she mentioned to me the other day that she likes that guy James. Though God knows why.

Maddie: He’s different.

(the others groan or roll their eyes in disbelief)

(pushes Maddie towards Posh table)

(wolf whistle/jeering from Posh boys)

(Maddie drops notepad)

George- It’s alright we’ll wait

(James starts to get up to help)

Hugo -No, why don’t you bend over and get it

(Maddie starts to pick it up and James gets it for her instead)

George – There you go (to James) there’s a little treat for you

Edward – I’ve got two girls already, there’s no harm in a bit of harmless window shopping

Maddie- Can I get you anything at all or was the humiliation enough?

Edward – I’ll have a… sex on the beach…or is the floor good enough for you?

James – Really! Guys!

Maddie- See you later then

George -Yes you will

James – Actually, could we have two bottles of Rosé please?

Maddie- Certainly sir (walks off to other waitresses)

Maddie- That was so humiliating, I thought James was at least going to stick up for me. I thought he was different.

Lulu – Different – what like, nice different? Really? Blokes don’t know the meaning of it.

Maddie – Yeah clearly…

Rose- I’m sorry lovely. We were only trying to help you to…you know…

Maddie- Thanks. But maybe you could just stay out if it next time. God knows why I should be taking relationship advice from you and Lulu!

Lulu – I’ll go next time! (sees ruby coming into the club) RUBY!!! (turns to Maddie and Rose) be back in a minute girls, hold the fort.

Ruby: Hey Lulu!

Lulu: Ruby, you shouldn’t be here! Please. You know what we said. You can try and sell in any of the clubs but not here. Not this one of all places.

Ruby: Come on, lighten up a bit.

Lulu: Do you want me to lose my job?

Ruby: Course not, I’d have to pay for my drink then! hahaha!

Lulu: Shhhh. Just keep it on the low down, okay? Don’t let Jimmy see you

(Lulu walks away and gets back to work)

(Jane pulls Edward to the side from the posh table so she can talk to him privately)

Jane: That was her wasn’t it?

Edward: Who?

Jane: Your ex wife? I didn’t know she worked here?

Edward: Oh don’t worry about her, my little peach, as far as I’m concerned she’s just some waitress. Nothing more. Not even worth talking about. Come on let’s get you a drink!

(Lights indicate change of focus as they walk towards the bar to continue their conversation)


Lesbian couple conflict scene

(St Jimmy walks over to the table Carli and Stephanie are sitting on)

Jimmy – Are you girls ok? Can I get you some drinks?

Carli– I’ll have an Amaretto and Lemonade please.

Jimmy – Amaretto and Lemonade for the signorina, si. And for you Miss.

Stephanie – Vodka and coke thanks

Jimmy – Grazie (smiles at the couple)

(St Jimmy walks back to the bar to make the drinks)

Stephanie – Why did you drag me out tonight?

Carli – Because I thought it would be fun, we haven’t been out for ages.

Stephanie – yeah I know but a pizza and a movie would have been fine as well.

Carli – we’ve done that for the past three weeks, please can we just have a dance and a drink and relax.

Stephanie – okay, okay for you ill try to have some… (stops mid sentence because she realises she has seen her ex Tiffany )

Carli – What?

(Stephanie gestures towards Tiffany and Carli sees her)

Carli – Oh crap, we don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.

Stephanie – No, I’m not going to let her decide what happens to me.

Carli – I’ve got dominos on speed dial, we can go if you like. Honestly I don’t mind.

Stephanie – No. Listen I’m just going over to tell her she can’t come and spoil our evening. (she does)

Tiffany: Who’s she?
Stephanie: My girlfriend
Tiffany: What about me?
Stephanie: What do you mean?
Tiffany: Don’t you still love me?
Stephanie: No, now leave me alone
Tiffany: You’re not allowed to see her anymore
Stephanie: You can’t control me Tiff, you don’t get to say who I can date
Tiffany: I can, you’re mine
Stephanie: Just go away
Tiffany: No. I won’t

(action freezes, light focuses on Jimmy)
Jimmy: (to audience) Now this will be interesting….

DANCE – Ex confrontation

Carlie: Are you alright? I thought I’d lost you for a minute.
Steph: I’ll be fine. I’m just shaken
Carlie: Don’t worry. She doesn’t matter any more. I’ve got you.

SONG – Nothing’s Gunna Harm You


Jimmy: (In his light) Meanwhile, in another part of the universe. (He takes our focus to the Posh table)

(The Posh boys have been drinking more and ruckus begins to develop at their table)

Edward – Gentleman, what the actual fuck is this. We were promised a Cabaret evening. An evening of entertainment.

James – Maybe it will get better, we don’t know who the next act is.

Hugo – Oh my god gents you know what this club needs.

George – If you say a bloody strip pole, you’re buying the next round

Hugo – No mate, like two years ago, I was in Thailand on my gap year and there was this girl and she like, did this thing with ping pong balls…

George – Stop right there, that’s even worse, I swear we need to have you tested

Edward – Well go on then gents, you want entertainment. Get up there then, you’re the funniest bastards I know.

All Posh boys – Yeah, c’mon lads, let’s do it.

(They get up on the stage but then realise they don’t know what to do. They think it’s funny)

Hugo: I only know one song.

George: Is it ‘Balls to your Partner?

Hugo: No. It’s the old school hymn.

George: We can’t sing that.

Edward: Do something – we’re all waiting.

James: (Starts singing – the others join in – they go into school mode)

SONG – Patience Hymn (three verses)

(Jimmy joins the song

St Jimmy – To run a club as mad as this one, you need to have the patience of a saint, aint that right girls?!

(The girls mutter below)

Waitresses – God, we need the patience of a saint to put up with him…

St Jimmy – Oi, I heard that!

Maddy : Jimmy, just check out that woman over there – she’s been giving that bloke funny looks all evening. Do you want me to see if she’s alright?

Jimmy: Nah, leave it for a minute. She might know him. Perhaps she’s seen him before. Perhaps he changed her life. What do you think….?
Talking to Terrorists
Caroline: I still think about it. What is it?…twenty years later…?

Brendan: You have to assume your new role ‘til it becomes second nature. If you’re in a hotel and you think someone’s paying you attention, the last thing you do is react. Suppose it’s a former squaddie and he’s looking at you. Pay no attention. He’ll think ‘No, it can’t be.’ Never panic.

Caroline: I don’t think Jack was ever the same again. It affected his nerves…olittle things, you know, in the garden, anything sudden…and me.

Brendan: One of the first things I did when I got to a new city was find the big department store…anywhere with a side-door or a back door, so you can lose a tail. It means you’ve always got a plan in your head. I had an idea I was being followed in Birmingham one day. My best store for losing people was in Manchester. Got on a train to Manchester, used my store. Lost my tail.

Caroline: We were having a good conference, except on the drive down; I shall never forget it, it was pelting with rain. We had to take our best bibs and tuckers; I was in a dreadful hurry as usual, I didn’t have time to pack properly; I got out of the car in front of the hotel armed with a lot of things on coat-hangers…there were the assembled cameras of the press…and I dropped half the things I was carrying in the mud
I.R.A.: It wasn’t any one individual that bombed Brighton; it was the organisation.

CAROLINE: Thursday… It was the usual conference agenda.. We finished about five thirty, followed I suppose by the inevitable cocktail party. I would have been in a dressy dress. Then we went out to dinner.

I.R.A.: I’d booked into the room three and a half weeks previously.

CAROLINE: We went to a very expensive, very nice French restaurant in Brighton, The Caprice… we went with six or eight friends…Norman and Margaret  Tebbit, John Wakeham and his wife were there…well-known people. It was a lovely evening, considering it was early October…a lovely evening, not at all cold. It really was a very good restaurant, and it was a fun evening, you know…we were all good friends. I remember looking round the table and seeing all those smiling faces. Six hours later, half of them were dead.

CAROLINE:  We went back to the hotel, we had a drink in the bar…this must have been about one o’clock in the morning.

I.R.A.:  The mechanism had to be as simple as possible.

CAROLINE:  One of our party, Eric Taylor, had to ring his constituency in Lancashire…one of his members had gone to a Conservative ball and died, and Eric had to ring the family to say what had happened.

I.R.A.:  A safety circuit…a main circuit…I set the timer…

CAROLINE:  The bar was on the ground floor. There were ten or twelve of us chatting…it probably wasn’t about politics at all. Do you know, I think we were on the third floor…I’m sure we were.

I.R.A.:  Twenty-six days, six hours and thirty-six minutes.

CAROLINE:  Three…quarter past three…I don’t think we really realized what had happened until the chimney came down, and took our bathroom with it. There was a hole where the bathroom with it. There was a hole where the bathroom was…I don’t like to think…I suppose it was ten feet from the bed…I suppose we were on the edge. Jack said, ‘It’s a bomb.’ I always remember him saying, ‘It’s a bomb.’ We got out of bed…people were shouting, ‘Get out, get out’…there was glass everywhere…shredded curtains and things…people shouting, ‘Come this way, come this way.’ I gound a dress on a chair, put that on. Jack had left his suit on the end of the bed. He put it on top of his pyjamas. He picked up his shoes and socks…I picked up a pair of boots and two anoraks…in fact, Jack grumbled because I was halfway out the door and went back to pick them up. When we got outside there was a old man in just his pyjamas, so I gave him one of the anoraks. Jack gave his socks to somebody. We went out through an emergency door onto a fire-escape. There was no panic; everyone was very calm.

Brendan: You have to put events into a historical perspective. I would say we didn’t have any recourse other than to engage in that armed struggle. Sixteen years later I met Jo Berry Her father had been killed. We sat down and talked. It was an intense experience.

Jimmy: (In his light to the audience) Intense indeed. (Announcing back in the club proper) As the old saying goes – one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom-fighter (as St Joan enters) and this next act up, ladies and gents is your archetypal terrorist freedom fighter – she’s a regular here, isn’t she girls. She’s been turning up here since 1431.

(state change, light up on club stage for Saint Joan)

Joan –
“Perpetual imprisonment! Am I not then to be set free? My voices were right. Yes: they told me you were fools, and that I was not to listen to your fine words not trust your charity. You promised me my life; but you lied. You think that life is nothing but not being stone dead. But to shut me from the light of the sky and the sight of the fields and flowers; to chain my feet so that I can never again ride with the soldiers nor climb the hills; to make me breathe foul damp darkness and keep me from everything that brings me back to the love of God when your wickedness and foolishness tempt me to hate him. I could do without my warhorse, I could drag about in a skirt. If only I could still hear the wind in the trees, the larks in the sunshine, the blessed church bells that send my angel voices floating to me on the wind. But without these things I cannot live; and by your wanting to take them from me, or from any human creature, I know that your counsel is of the devil, and that mine is of God. His ways are not your ways. That is my last word to you.”


Jimmy: Awesome. Literally. Awesome. (to any nearby waitresses) You could do worse than take a leaf out of her book, my lovelies.

Rose: Then you’d have to stop calling us your ‘lovelies’, Jimmy…

Jimmy: (affectionately) Ah feminista! Bet your mother’s proud of you.

Spot up on POSH table

Ed: So my mother and father are stuck in this tiny little sitting room upstairs, huddled around a gas fire, rooms all round them getting opened to visitors ‘cause they’ve got some tapestry or William of Orange slept there. Next time they go back they’ll have stuck my parents in the buttery.

Hugo: Same at mine mate.

Ed: Held to ransom by the National Trust.

Hugo: Board of trustees.

Ed: People with their noses pressed up to the glass, like having total strangers picking through your family photos – guides walking through the house saying ‘we restored this room’ as if it’s theirs.

Hugo: Shameful. Last time I was home this guide woman – I think she must have been new – she told me I couldn’t go behind one of the ropes. I said yes I can it’s my house.

Ed: Fucking sick of it.

James: Haven’t people always wanted to look inside big houses? We’ve always had visitors.

Ed: They’re not visitors now, they’re customers.

Hugo: Every year it’s looking at new ways to get the punters in. Used to be just the summer, now they’ve got this German Christmas Craft Fair.

George: Yeah we’re having that. Shitty wooden toys.

Hugo: Whole place smells like cinnamon.

George: We’re having Husky Races this year.

Hugo: Plant sales. Easter egg hunts. Make my mother do speeches, hand out prizes to big vegetables.

Ed: We’ve got to reschedule my sister’s wedding because it clashes with the Teddy Bear’s picnic and they’ve already done the leaflets. It’s so grubby.

James: It’s all about bears with you.

Ed: It’s an important collection.

Hugo: Your poor parents.

James: Yeah, how awful having a massive house.

Hugo: Leighton. Those houses were built by people who knew how to live people with a bit of –

Ed: The world has gone to shit and it’s people like that landlord that are driving it.

Hugo: I mean men who built those things big – so big you look at them now and think god, how many people did that take to –

George: We should totally do something to fuck him up.

Hugo: And lived apologetically that’s the thing…
Ed: We’re going to fuck up his club mate.

George: I mean before that. Something else.

James: Yeah.

Hugo: …defended themselves if they needed to, I mean they wrote the history of this country in their own blood. Built these houses as proof of their, their magnificence because they were proud of who they were and what they stood for. Now you go to these places and they’re run by these etiolated women who can’t even –

George: You go to these places?

Hugo: I feel sick when I realise it’s all gone, but I am interested in the history of this country, yes. Some old woman on the entrance desk who can’t even work the till, she’s so incompetent. The custodianship of these magnificent palaces has passed into the hands of these lilac-coloured people.

Ed: My aunt won’t visit anymore, it’s too upsetting. Mummy’s only there when she has to be, but she does’t like Knightsbridge anymore either.

George: All the Arabs…

(They all murmur in agreement)

Maddy = Jim why do you even let them in here
Jimmy: I don’t let them in, Maddy – this is where they belong.
Lulu – I quite like them actually
Maddie – But they’re pricks

Rose – They’re just posh little boys trying to be men.

Jimmy: Now, this act comes with added spice. But remember boys, you can look but you can’t touch. These girls can be little demons and I won’t stop them from retaliating if you decide to step over the footlights.

SONG/ DANCE – Bring on the Men

Jimmy: So Ladies and Gentleman welcome back. You might have figured out by now, in my little club here, not every sinner is always bad and not every saint is super shiny. It’s not as simple as black hats and white hats. Sometimes it’s down to your life or your experiences it’s not necessarily your choice, they might say. Let’s not ignore Lady Luck, that most common excuse we use to explain nearly everything in this world. Maybe some people are lucky enough to always be good. For others it’s not so easy…Watch this space. (Walks over to the waitresses)
Jimmy: You alright girls?
Rose: No!
Maddie: Jimmy I can sort this, maybe you should just carry on with the show.

(Light up on a table where Maddie and Rose are sat)

(Lulu is over on the POSH table, again)

Rose – She’s over there again

Maddie – Who, Lulu?

Rose – Well who else is it going to be?!

Maddie- What does she see in them?

(Rose does a half smile)

Maddie – Don’t worry about her, maybe she’s just taking an order…

(Lulu is now sat on the lap of one of the POSH boys)

Rose – Subtlety, really isn’t her strong point, is it?

Maddie – She’s living in a world of rose tinted glasses and rich heirs

Rose- And you’re not?

Maddie- I don’t even know anymore!

Rose – God I swear a night in this place is like A FUCKING NOVEL!

Maddie – Maybe it’ll be good inspiration, I need to hand something into my publisher at the end of the month.

Rose – You could write it like a diary

Maddie – “The thoughts and feelings of a frisky waitress”

Rose – “Punching above your weight”

(They both laugh at the thought)

(Jane arrives at the table an Rose senses a cue to leave)

Rose – God, looks who’s coming over! (making excuses) What was that Jimmy, okay I’m now coming?!

(Jimmy looks over startled and realises Roses plan to escape)

Jimmy: (In his light to the audience)
Now I wasn’t expecting her to come over. Duck if it gets larey, won’t you!)

Jane – Hi, you’re a friend of Rose aren’t you?

Maddie – Yeah…?

Jane – Are you free for a chat?

(Sophia (as a new character) stumbles over and asks for a drink and Maddie goes to serve her)

Maddie – (to Jane) Well actually, we’re really busy and I’ve got customers waiting and I –

Jane – (interjecting) So, basically I’m sensing in the air that there still might be something between Rose and Ed. I just saw them talking earlier and I know that they have a history together and….I’m probably just being paranoid but I thought if anyone might know anything it would be you?

Maddie – Well it’s not really my place to say and I really don’t want to get involved…

Jane – Ed has assured me that he’s over her and that they broke up a while ago but that she’s still like obsessed with him or something? He’s promised me that he loves me and that he’ll always be loyal and I want to believe him but I just have a feeling you know?

Maddie- You do realise they’re still married, right? Honey, it looks like he’s playing you just the same way he’s playing her.

Jane- What?! Ed told me they broke up months ago? That can’t be right. He told me they got divorced just before we got together? Why would he go behind her back like that?

Maddie- I don’t know, honey, but those posh boys are dicks. They’re good at messing us girls around and telling us exactly what we want to hear. I don’t want to take sides, but if you’re feeling like this, just imagine how Rose feels!

Jane-(Sheepishly) I guess that’s true.

Sophia: (claps at Maddie to get her attention) HELLO IM STILL WAITING!

(Jane walks off and Maddie get back to work)

(Sophia has been eavesdropping into the conversation between Jane and Maddie while waiting at the bar)

Maddie pours a drinks and drinks it herself!

Maddie: sorry about that…

Sophia : it’s okay. It was actually quite entertaining! It was like a live reality show! Like I was in TOWIE or something!

Jill: (excited) Did someone mention TOWIE?!

Maddie: Trust me there is always something going on in here! I could probably write a whole book about it…actually that’s not a half bad idea, I could come a bestseller and finally leave this place. (Half joking)


Caroline : (really drunk and getting carried away) That’s brilliant! It could be a play and I could be the star! JILL! JILL, come on we need to start rehearsals now if I’m gonna be famous! You can be the love interest! Come on!

Jill: (dryly) As much as I love TOWIE I’m not NEARLY drunk enough yet…..

Sophia : Pffft, come on, you know you want to!

Jill: Fine (Daytona pulls her out of her seat)

(Dave finishes drink and stands to join in)

James: I’m coming too, can’t risk missing out on the chance of meeting Joey Essex!

Jill: Do we have to do this? (rolls eyes)

Sophia: Oh Stop being boring!!! It will be fun! (low pitch imitating voice said in a melodramatic way) “Oh Rose, my love I love you so much. But, I just cant be with you right now, because…I’ve met someone else .”

Dave : What on earth are you talking about!? I thought we were in love and would be together for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever….What would possess you to go off with some wench!?


Dave: But I am no other than Edward’s wife!

Jill: His wife?! But I am his. I am promised to him?

Sophia: My darling ladies, there is no need to fight over me! There’s plenty of your Edward to go around.

All Laugh

Maddie : You’re just making this up now. That isn’t even what’s happened! Rose left Ed as soon as she found out about his affair!

Sophia : yeah but that versions not as much fun!

Dave: You wouldn’t see that on TOWIE!

Maddie: This isn’t some reality show, this is my best friends life we’re talking about!

Sophia: well you started it off with your little book idea! Such a good friend, you are!

(Sophia turns from Maddie and continues to carry on with the melodrama scene)

Dave: (fake crying) How could you do this to me Edward!? And with a girl so short and young?!

Sophia: Jane may be short but, oh my, does her passion make up for it!!!

Jill: Oh darling you flatter me so!

Dave: If that’s what you want Edward then stay with her! I hope you have a splendid life together with your pocket sized children! But don’t you dare come crying back to me once you’ve had enough!

(All collapse with laughter)

Maddie: honestly you guys are just ridiculous. I can’t wait to leave this place. You guys actually need to get off the stage now, as we have another act on!

(Sophia, Jill and Dave stumble back to thier seats mimicking Maddie in a drunken way)

(Saint Jimmy walks up to the stage area and spots Maddie as she is exiting the stage)

Saint Jimmy: You okay Maddie? They’re not being a nuisance are they?

Maddie: (fed up) No it’s fine. (Goes back to bar)

Jimmy: (Announces) Now, sometimes my darlings, there’s a sneaky saint living alongside a sinner in the same body. Ask yourselves, aren’t we ALL a little bit of each? Like a white swan and a black swan…

DANCE – Swan dance

James – Gents, do you know what that just reminded me of?

Hugo – That bird I had last weekend

James – No, last year when we watched the Russian Ballet in Geneva

George – Are you bent mate

James – I mean the extension and conviction in her…

Edward – Yawn, yawn, yawn. Jesus Christ, have you come on a lads night by mistake.

James – Right I’M getting a drink

Edward – Okay ill have…

James – No I’M getting a drink, you can get your own

Edward – Its your round then. Riot Club rules.

James – Screw the rules

(James heads off to the bar as the boys call to him)

Hugo – That’s it, go cry to your girl, you sissy!

Edward – She has got you whipped mate

(Light focuses solely on the POSH boys)

George – What the fuck’s got into him? James has become soft, she’s a waitress for Christ’s sake.

Edward – She’s basically a prozzer, we all know what they’re like! Trust me I’m married to one.

Hugo – A prozzer? Do you reckon James would let me have a go?

George – No mate, you know James hates sharing

(Edward leans over the table, as James reaches the bar)

Edward – Boys the ship has arrived at port. Oh and look whose there with him.

(James and Maddie have been talking at the bar and look over to the table; the boys wave in sync and overly sarcastically)

(Light upon Maddie and James at the bar, it is clear that James is annoyed with his “friends”. Jimmy stands on his office platform, looking over the club and listening into Maddie and James’ conversation)

Maddie – James, why are you acting like that? You don’t need those idiots in your life!

James – But they’re my boys, and the code states…

Maddie – The code… The code, are you four or what?!

James – Lord Riot fought a bloody battle in order for us to…

Maddie – Harass women? Parade around like you own the place and pay off anyone that is looking like they could report you? James I know you aren’t like them, you’re better than that. Why do you think you have to give in to them all the time?

James – Maddie, I’m sorry that’s happened I promise it’s not personal, I like you, I didn’t want to hurt you. I know they can be arse-holes but that’s just how we are when we are together. I can’t change that, the boys are always going to be my boys.

(Maddie looks massively pissed off at this and breathes deeply)

Maddie – So sir, what can I get you? (Coldly)

James: Fuck this!

(James starts to walk over and walks into Fern)

Fern: Oops sorry.

(she walks past him while he watches her go admiringly )

George: James did you get those drinks or not?

Hugo: I’m parched

James: No I didn’t, get them yourself you lazy bastards.

Edward: Cheer the hell up.
Jimmy and Waitresses chat

Rose: what were you talking to Jane about earlier? Did she say anything to you about Ed?

Maddie: umm…she was.asking me about jewellery.

Lulu: Maddie you’re a crap liar!

Rose: You can tell me. I’m not going to freak out or anything. It was my choice to leave him!

Lulu: Oh Rose, quit pretending you don’t care. We all saw your face when he bought her here tonight.

Saint Jimmy: Wait a minute? He cheated on you with that twelve year old? Honestly my lovely he’s not worth your time. As they say there are plenty more fish in the sea.

Lulu: Look around you honey, you’ve got the pick of the pack tonight! I’ve given up trying with Maddie! It’s time you moved on.

Saint Jimmy: Maddie, I will say to you what my mother used to say to me. Sei come l’acqua nel deserto. You are like water in the desert, you’re beautiful. You will find the right person, Doll.

(Maddie and the girls look back at Jimmy slightly spellbound)

Jimmy: (to the audience in his light) Oh I’m SUCH a charmer!

Lulu: (notices Ruby) on that note, I better go. Speak to you girlies later! Jim, that included you too doll (mocking how Jim calls them doll all the time)

Jimmy: Oi watch it you!

(Lulu walks over to Ruby)

Jimmy: Would you believe it? Not that skanky lanky streak of confusion back again. I’ve told Lulu a million times to keep her out of here. We’re strictly no class ‘A’ stuff in here. I run a clean club…well clean-ish. Although she’s not as bad as some. I’ve seen more coke go up the noses of a board of directors than she’s ever touched. I think she genuinely likes to see people happy, you know. High as a kite and happy as a sprite.

LULU: Ruby, what did I say…?

RUBY: No, let me tell you, let me tell you. I was there. I was all ready. I was ready to deal.
LULU: Right
RUBY: There’s a few other dealers. Stood around the dance floor. I take up my position. I’m ready. And this bloke comes up to me. Really, really nice looking. And he says: ‘you selling?’ Yeah, I say. Fifteen quid a go. And the way he looks at me I know he fancies me you know? And he reaches in his pocket and – oh shit. So stupid.
LULU: It was the knife yes?
RUBY: There wasn’t a knife.
LULU: Gun?
RUBY: He. Look. He reaches in his pocket and says: ‘Shit I left my money in my other jeans. Oh shit, now how am I gonna have a good time, now how am I gonna enjoy myself?’
LULU: Right. Yes. Go on.
RUBY: And he looked so…I felt sorry for him all right? But then he says: ‘How about this? How about you give me the E? Give me the E now then later, at the end, you can come back to mine and we can get the money from my jeans.’
LULU: Right so he was luring you. Luring you back to his / place.
LULU: Get you back to his so that he could pull the gun / or whatever.
LULU: And get the Es off you.
RUBY: No, it didn’t happen. That’s not it.
RUBY: No. So I said yes. It’s a deal. And I gave him the E and he takes it and I watch him and he’s dancing and he’s sweating and smiling and he looks – well – beautiful and just really really happy.
LULU: How many?
RUBY: What?
LULU: You broke the first rule – yes? Yes?
LULU: How many?
RUBY: I was out there on my own.
LULU: How many?
RUBY: Three. Maybe four.
LULU: Shit. I told you. Rule number one.
RUBY: I know. But then, a few minutes later. A bloke. Even better, yes even better looking than the last bloke. And he says: ‘Look you gave my mate some E and I was wondering, I get paid at the end of the week and if I give you my phone number will you give me a couple of E.’
LULU: You didn’t?
RUBY: Yes.
LULU: Fuck.
RUBY: And I felt good, I felt amazing, from just giving you see?
LULU: No, no I don’t.
RUBY: But imagine. Imagine you’re there, imagine how it feels.
RUBY: And then – it sort of rolled. It flew.
LULU: You dick. Three hundred.
RUBY: Until there’s these guys, they’re asking and I’m giving and everyone’s dancing and smiling.
LULU: Three hundred E. / Silly dick.
RUBY: Listen, listen to me. / This is what I felt.
LULU: I don’t want to know. / You gave away three hundred.
RUBY: / It’s important
LULU: No. Stupid. Fucking. / Dick.
RUBY: Just listen for a moment OK? Listen this is the important bit. If you’d felt…I felt. I was looking down on this planet. Spaceman over this earth. And I see this kid in Rwanda, crying but he doesn’t know why. And this granny in Kiev selling everything she’s ever owned. And this president in Bogota or…South America. And I see the suffering. And the wars. And the grab, grab, grab. And I think: Fuck money. Fuck it. This selling. This buying. This system. Fuck the bitching world and let’s be…beautiful. Beautiful. And happy. You see? You see? But now you see, but then I’ve only got two left and this bloke comes up and says: ‘You the one giving out the E?’ I give him the two but he says ‘What two? Two. Two’s not going to do shit for me. You gotta have more.’ And he starts to hit, he starts to punch me.

Jimmy: (approaches Lulu and Ruby) Lulu! Is she staying here long? You know what I’ve said.
Lulu: Sorry Jimmy, she’s just leaving (shoos her away)


Man of the moment pre scene

Rose: I’m officially fed up of the guys in here. Do you know what I’m fed up of all men. Period!

Jimmy: thanks!

Lulu: you just haven’t met the right one yet! They’re not all like Eddy.

Maddie: I’m starting to think Rose is right.

Rose: of course I’m right! They’re all the same! Only after one thing!

Lulu: (suggestively) I’m not complaining!

Jimmy: Jesus!

Maddie: honestly lulu?

Jill: (chuckles to herself)

Lulu: (Bluntly) um sorry can we help you?

Rose: I’m so glad my fail of a love life is so funny to you!

Jill: sorry, I couldn’t help overhearing you girls, and I can assure you not every man is that way inclined.

Maddie: I’ll believe that when I see it!

Jill: I actually interviewed a man the other week who hadn’t had sex for 15 years!!!

Lulu: 15 years?! Is that even possible!?

(The girls laugh at her)

Jill: Although in all honesty, he was probably the most boring man I’ve ever met.

Jimmy: He’d have to be to go that long…

Lulu: See, the good guys are always dull!

(They laugh again)

Jill: I actually think I’ve got a video of the interview on my phone. Hold on a sec. (she get her phone out to play the video to Jimmy and the waitresses)

(The following plays out as if on her phone and is projected onto the screen)

“Douglas: You know, I have to say this, you’re making me feel rather guilty, Jill. I’m sorry if I am being a disappointment. I’d have thought, though, that with all that misery you seem to meet up in your job every day, a happy contented couple might make a nice change for once. Wouldn’t you have thought?
Jill: (in exasperation) Sorry, Douglas, no. They wouldn’t. Not at all. Happy, contented couples – happy, contented, middle-aged couples especially – do not make exciting films, they do not make watchable plays or readable books. Nobody wants to hear about them. Nobody’s interested in them. Nobody even wants to look at paintings of them. And thy certainly don’t want to sit down and watch them on television. Happy, contented people are box-office death, Douglas. Because they generally come over as excruciatingly boring. They over as smug and self-satisfied and superior and they drive the rest of us up the bloody wall and we really don’t want to know about them. Not at all. All right?
A pause. Douglas considers this calmly, seemingly unoffended
Douglas: (quietly) How sad. That’s all I can say. How very sad.
Jill: (realising that she has been rude, even by her standards) I’m sorry.
Douglas: No…
Jill: If you and Nerys really are that rare and precious thing, a blissfully happy married couple, who am I to come between you…? (Gathering up her things) Well, I must see how my crew are getting on…
Douglas: Good luck.
Jill goes to leave but turns back again, just before she does so
Jill: (incredulously) No, I’m sorry, I can’t believe it. You are both completely happy? Douglas: (worried) Yes, I think we are. I was trying to think…
Jill: Excuse me, but – sexually, as well?
Douglas: (blankly) Sexually?
Jill: Sexually, you know. Sex? Long winter evenings? And so on?
Douglas: Well, no, we don’t… No.
Jill: You don’t?
Douglas: No.
Jill: You mean you don’t sleep together?
Douglas: Yes, we sleep together, we just don’t – No.
Jill: Ever?
Douglas: No. Not for some little while.
Jill: What do you mean by some little while?
Douglas: Er – probably about fifteen years, probably.
Jill: (stunned) Fifteen years.
Douglas: Yes, I should think – I should think about that, yes.
Jill: (appalled) My God, how have you both managed…?
Douglas: Oh, I don’t think it’s ever been a problem.
Jill: Fifteen years? I don’t believe it. Fifteen years? (Pause) You’re joking. Fifteen years? Did you never try to talk to anyone about it?
Douglas: No p, we never felt the need. Anyway, I didn’t think anyone would be very interested. We – you know – we tried it for a couple of years when we first got married and – neither of us – found much to it, really – rather over-rated, really – so we gave it up…
Jill: Sorry. I have to sit down. (she does so)
Douglas: You all right?
Jill: (laughing weakly) Yes. I couldn’t include this in a programme, they wouldn’t believe it…
Douglas: Oh, I don’t know. It’s not that uncommon, you know. Nerys’s Uncle Reg told me he’d never tried it at all and he’s never missed it…
Jill: Maybe it’s genetic (slight pause) Fifteen years? And you have never had it? Do you realise, Douglas, there are some of us, many of us, most of us, who spend all our waking hours thinking about having it and at night, if we are not having it, we dream about having it? We spend most of our lives trying to work out how we can get someone to have it with us and then, once we’ve had it, how we can get rid of the person we’re having it with, so we can have it with somebody else? And you’ve never even bothered to have it… I don’t believe it. And Nerys feels the same? She doesn’t miss it either?
Douglas: She never said she has.”

Edward: (Calls to Jill) Unbe-fricking-lievable! No sex for 15 years?
Jill: I know, TV gold! It got me a promotion, this segment did.
George: That’s not normal. 15 years? That’s never normal. I don’t think I could go more than one night.
Hugo: – Which brings me swiftly to… boys! I think it’s about time we started placing bets for tonight’s dogfight! Whoever can find the ugliest girl in the club and convince them to go out on a date, gets to keep the cash!

James: Ha ha! Great idea, yeah. 100 quid in.

Edward: Ahhhh boys, my favourite part of the fucking evening! Spot the dog!

Hugo: We’ve certainly got our pick of them in here tonight!

George: Settle down boys, if anyone is going to winning to be landing the jackpot tonight it’s me! I can charm the pants of anything. I’m fucking known for it. (Smugly)

James: (jeering) He could give you a run for your money Eddy!

Edward: Oh really? Well if you’re that good, I bet you… 500 quid…make that 800 that you couldn’t get a certain lady in here to go out with you on a date!

(Posh boys jeer and laugh)

George: (overly confident) challenge accepted Rochester! Who’s the girl?

Edward: Rose.

James: As in your Rose? Your Rose?

Hugo: Evidently not anymore, he’s got that new girl now hasn’t he!

Edward: You said you could charm any girl into going out with you. Good luck trying to get her to say yes. I bet you anything she’s still pining over me.

George: Fine. You’ve got yourself a bet.

(George makes his way over to Rose who is standing at the bar clearing up and is about to ask her out for the bet but notices her looking upset after seeing Jane and Harry together.)

George: Hey, what’s the matter beautiful?

Rose: Oh, nothing. I’m fine. I should get back to work.

George: What’s a girl like you doing working in a place like this?

Rose: it’s really not that bad…

George: you don’t sound too convincing!

Rose: …Aha…it’s just hard working somewhere where your ex is a regular…

George: Ahh I see

Rose: but I guess you’ve heard all about it from Edward? Anyway, you wouldn’t understand, you posh boys are all the same! Speaking of which, how come I haven’t seen you in here with them before?

George: (smooth talking) We’re not all bad. I promise you that.

(Rose smiles)

George: I’ve been away for a while. Travelling. I’m just dropping by to visit family for my Birthday next week.

Rose: Oh, well happy birthday for then…sorry what did you say your name was?

George: George. George Balfour.

Rose: Rose

George: Anyway, I better get off soon got to get to a party.

Rose: A birthday party?

George: Just a party. I wonder if you’d like to come with me?


(Rose runs off stage to get ready and tell the girls about her date. George returns to the Posh table and picks up the money)

George: Well I suppose this is mine?

Jimmy: (Announces) Don’t go away, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the stage a most ….well, how shall I describe him…? A most extraordinary man. Funny, I suppose….yes, funny in every sense of the word. Our own, our very own Mr Sloane!

(Josh enters and takes stage as Mr Sloan)

Sloane Speech

Sloane: I trust you, pop. Listen. Keep quiet.


It’s like this see. One day I leave the Home. Stroll along. Sky blue. Fresh air. They’d found me a likeable permanent situation. Canteen facilities. Fortnight’s paid holiday. Overtime? Time and a half after midnight. A staff dance each year. What more could one wish to devote one’s life to? I certainly loved that place. The air round Twickenham was like wine. Then one day I take a trip to the old man’s grave. Hic jacets in profusion. Ashes to Ashes. Alas the sleeting. The sun was declining. A few press-ups on a tomb belonging to a family name of Cavaneagh, and I left the graveyard. I thumbs a lift from a geyser who promises me a bed. Gives me a bath. And a meal. Very friendly. All you could wish he was, a photographer. He shows me one or two experimental studies. An experience for the retina and no mistake. He wanted to photo me. For certain interesting features I had that he wanted the exclusive right of preserving. You know how it is. I didn’t like to refuse. No harm in it I suppose. But then I got to thinking . . . . I knew a kid once called MacBride that happened to. Oh, yes . . . . so when I gets to think of this I decide I got to do something about it. And I gets up in the middle of the night looking for the film see. He has a lot of expensive equipment about in his studio see. Well it appears that he gets the wrong idea. Runs in. Gives a shout. And the long and the short of it is I loses my head which is a thing I never ought to a done with the worry of them photos an all. And I hits him. I hits him.


He must have had a weak heart. Something like that I should imagine. Definitely should have seen his doctor before that. I wasn’t to know was I? I’m not to blame

Edward: What a weirdo! Can’t we have the girls back again?
Jimmy: Oi – keep your pants on mate. I’m running out of patience with you lot. (Announces to audience) We have a classy act for you now performed to a beautiful song very much in the theme of our evening’s entertainment. (To the Posh boys) Remember the rules, children.

DANCE – Take me to Church

George: James, my old chap, are you going after that blonde or not? I thought you had something going on there?

James: It’s complicated, George, you wouldn’t understand. It actually involves thinking about other people’s feelings. Something I’m almost certain you are not accustomed to.

George: What’s complicated about it? Take her out, buy her a drink and bish bosh bash.

James: Maddie is a lovely girl but she’s not the kind of girl I can mess around. It’s not fair to lead her on when I know I won’t…well, can’t commit…there’s always going to be something else, someone else that I can’t have tempting me…and playing on my mind…

George: It’s never stopped you before! Jesus Christ, lighten up a bit you miserable bugger! No reason why you can’t have both…

James: I have one word for you, George, and that is ‘Edward’ – Look how that turned out!

George: James, girls will always be there teasing you, why sit and watch from the sidelines when you can have the real deal!

Jimmy: (In his light, to the audience) Who knew? And him the quiet one. But they’re the ones you gotta watch the closest. We’ll give give him a little moment to calm down while you listen to our guitarist. Very thoughtful little number called ‘Poisoned Apple’.


Fern: I saw what happened between you and your girlfriend earlier, are you okay?

Carli: Yeah, I’ll be fine…

Fern: you don’t sound too convincing!

Carli: Sorry, Its just, I had the whole night planned out perfectly and then her ex, Tiff, had to show up and ruin everything…

Fern: I’m sorry, that couldn’t have been easy for you.

Carli: It’s worse for Steph, I know that, I just feel stuck in the middle of it all. I was going to ask her to move in with me tonight, but it just doesn’t feel right anymore.

Fern: Oh shame. Maybe you just need to give it some time to settle before diving in to something serious…

Carli: Too soon?

Fern: (Nods) Too soon.
Jimmy: (In his light to the audience) I’ve spotted a little bit of shenanigans going on this evening. I don’t know if you’ve noticed. A bloke, stuck between two women. Like we’ve seen already, it’s a bit of a joke, really. But as you all know, it’s happened for centuries. An eternal dilemma. Never changes. You know the kind of thing – you’ve seen it down your street, you’ve watched it on the telly – you’ve read about it in books…

Jayne Eyre

(Eddy takes Jane away from her group of friends.)

Rochester: Jane, forgive me. Please tell me I have not destroyed your love.

Jane: That could never happen, but we are lost.

Rochester: No, not if we are together; happiness will be there. We can find another home, across the seas, away from all foul influence. Just stay by me, Jane.

Jane: No, no, it is impossible. You have a wife. I must leave you now.

Rochester: Jane, do you mean to go one way in this world and let me go another?

Jane: I do.

Rochester: Jane (he embraces her and kisses her on the forehead) Do you mean it now?

Jane: I do.

Rochester: (kisses Jane on the lips, and, after a while, she moves her head) and now?

Jane: I do.

Rochester: Oh Jane, this is bitter! This is wicked. It would not be wicked to love me.

Jane: It would be wicked to obey you.

Rochester: Jane, give one glance to my horrible life when you are gone. All happiness torn away with you. What then is left? What shall I do? Where turn for companion and some hope?

Jane: Do as I do, trust in God and yourself. Believe in heaven and hope to meet there again.

Rochester: Then you condemn me to live wretched and die accursed?

Jane: I advise you to live sinless and I wish you to die in tranquil.

Rochester: Then you snatch your love and innocence from me?

Jane: Mr Rochester, I no more assign this fate to you than I would for myself.

Rochester: Is it better to drive a fellow creature to despair than to transgress a mere human law?

Jane: Laws and principles are not for times when there is no temptation; they are for moments such as this.

Rochester: You are going, Jane? You are leaving me?

Jane: I am going, sir.

Rochester: You will not be my comforter, my rescuer? My deep love, my frantic prayers are all nothing to you? Jane, don’t leave me here in anguish. Oh, Jane! My hope – my love – my life!

Jane: God bless you my dear master! God keep you from harm and wrong and reward you for your past kindness to me. It would be mortal sin to rest a moment longer.

Rochester: No Jane, it is no sin to find a heaven.

Jane: There is no hope of finding heaven now, we are destroyed.

Rochester: But not our love.

Jane: If I stay it will wither and die…

Rochester: I pled with you – do not desert me!

Jane: I must dear Edward, I must!

Rochester: You condemn me, Jane. You condemn me…

Jane: No I love! – I only love!

(Ed approaches Rose after Jane has left him in an attempt to win Rose back)
Ed: Rose, listen to me, I know I messed up. Jane meant nothing to me. I’ll make it up to you I promise.
Rose remains silent
Ed: Oh, come on, nobody’s perfect! You can’t blame me, you’re always working, did you just expect me to sit about waiting for you?
Rose: What! Yes! That’s exactly what I expect! Ed we are married! That means we are supposed to be faithful to each other! But obviously that means nothing to you or you wouldn’t have been seeing that slut behind my back.
Ed: You know what I’m like. I can’t stand being alone. Besides, you’re going to that party with James aren’t you, how is that any different to what’s going on between Jane and I? Don’t make out that you’re some saint! You’re just as bad as me.

Rose eye rolls

Ed: Oh and Rose, you do realise that James only asked you out for a joke, right?

Rose: MONOLOGUE (queen Katherine)

Ed walks over looking sad and dejected, Jimmy looks over at Rose bods approvingly and smiles at Ed as he walks past.

Ed: (in Jimmy’s face) You think this is funny, do you
Jimmy: Well sonny, it sure as shit isn’t sad.

(Ed stomps back to the table)
Jimmy: (Announces) Sorry boys and girls I’m going have to call time. Time! Gentlemen please! Haven’t you got homes to crawl back to?

Rose: Do you mind if I get off a bit quickly this evening, Jimmy? I’ve got a date to go to a party.

Jimmy: Just one last minute Rose (she waits). (To audience) So that’s your lot. Another night at Saints and Sinners come to an end. Same as yesterday and same as tomorrow. For ever and ever amen. So who were tonight’s goodies and who were the baddies and who were sitting on that great moral fence?
As they say, ‘Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future’. How about you?
I’ve been Saint Jimmy – goodnight.

SONG – ‘Rebel’ (I’m a Saint I’m a Sinner)